Food: I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 21 2007, 07:34 AM

I have only myself to blame for being so fat and out of shape. I just can't put the junk down. DH is right when he yells at me about my weight. I don't think he is being mean to me any more because I know my weight is way out of control and he has always been one of those "black or white " people. I am a "grey area" person. So in his mind excessive eating = excessive fat = I don't care about my weight or health or I would stop eating. The way I see it, for better or for worse is: excessive eating = excessive fat = what is causing me to eat so much when I see how unhealthy it is making me? I think this is the root of my problem. I don't want to eat myself to death. Nobody does. Just like nobody wants to keep smoking, or drinking, or taking street drugs. So why would I want to consider it a treat to stop by the coffee shop after putting GS on the bus, and get two huge raspberry sticks? I don't intend to make my problem worse by eating these. I am trying to explain what these two raspberry sticks, or any kind of sweet pastry does for me. The best I can come up with is, in a sea of making myself do things I don't want to do, there is an island full of my favourite junk foods and the worse I feel, the more I want to find that island and give myself a little push to keep on swimming in that sea of things I have to put up with.

I don't expect anybody but a fellow addict to understand what I just wrote, if I stated it clear enough. And no amount of trying to change my way of thinking, ie, walking, a bubble bath or anything else has worked in all these years. It just adds to the list of things in the sea that I am trying to take a break from. For a while I have been sneaking food in the house and hiding it from DH because I knew he would yell at me if he knew what I was doing. My worst time is at night and people have said, "Just go to bed early and that will take care of it." There are two things in my favour when it comes to bad eating habits. I never take food to bed with me because I don't like crumbs and would just feel even more sloppy and out-of-control if I did this. And once I am in bed, I don't get back up for food. I'd say 99% of my eating takes place in the living room watching TV. This is a very old habit that goes back to my childhood because my father always ate goodies while watching TV. And yes I know that even the oldest habits can be broken if you stick with it. And I know about OverEater's Anonymous and the like. Over the years I have heard about every "coping mechanism" and have tried them all and I still overeat. There's something I'm not getting that most other people get and they can beat their bad habits.

I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I know there is an answer somewhere and after all these years maybe seeing millions more like me, they might come up with something that really works. But right now I am really just concerned about myself. You know, you get sick of fighting. Fighting mental illness, fighting day-to-day life, just trying to keep from falling behind takes so much out of a person. And then you have to fight something so basic as controlling food intake. Food should be fuel to keep you living, not something you have to struggle with everyday.
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moiraine Feeling Strange????

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 19 2007, 08:30 AM

I'm sorry I havn't been around much here. It seems like I can't settle anywhere much to write anything, I mean too, and I am having problems trying to compose anything meaningful. I have a ton of "Favourites" and "Bookmarks" and nothing in these lists catches my interest at the moment. It's just like I am lost my focus, so to speak. I drop by our little village here, see what all my friends are up too, and can't frame a reply and I say, "I will come back later and have something to say." So don't worry friends this too shall pass, it always does, and I will be back to my normal concentration (until the next time,lol).

Meanwhile, after applying for jobs thru the summer, I think I finally have a bite. I could never even get any kind of interview without Pam, the lady who finds jobs for the people in my physical/mentally challenged people's group. There is not much of anything I am good for, when it comes to a job. Pam found me a part-time housekeeping job in another nursing home. The supervisor was a very nice, down-to-earth person about my age, who was overweight so I didn't think she would discriminate on me for being heavy (well, very heavy ). She even said I could come in at 9am if I wanted, so this means I can carry on putting my grandson on the bus at 8am and then come to work. I will work until 2pm and if I hurry I could pick GS up when his bus runs after 2:30.

All they need after that is my police background report and my medical history and she said I was good to go. All nursing homes require that you have a physical and have certain vaccinations and tests and now I understand there is some new shot you have to take. I have never had any problem with my background reports (I am crazy but I respect the law,lol). So pretty soon I could be making a little money again, and get out of the house to move around. the S S people said I could make up to $900/mo (before taxes) so this will fit in. I need to make enough to cover my Blue Cross every month. I've been on TDI for about 6 mos. now and pretty soon they will be saying that I've run out of change in the kitty.

I just hope I can move around and work after all this inactivity. I never did any exercise like people told me to do. It's all my fault. But as all you depressed people know, when it's so hard just to get out of bed, where does the strength come to walk out there with everyone making fun of you as you struggle on. I can't believe it, I actually kept focused enough to write this. I hate it when my brain goes numb. You guys know what I mean, but try explaining it to the so-called "normal" people


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moiraine Today Is A Depressing Day

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 15 2007, 08:18 AM

I know there has to the grey rainy days but they are so depressing. I don't know what I feel like doing and nothing even interests me online. That is strange for me. All the things I usually take an interest in, I am just skipping from favourites to favourites, bookmark to bookmark. Please tell me that other people feel restless like this too. I feel restless and feel like I have no purpose in my life. My GS is here and this is one of his days when he won't settle to anything. DH is here and all he does is fill him full of candy no matter what I say. He took him to the store just now and GS has a bag of M&M's in his hand, just adding more fuel to the fire. DH can't understand why nobody feeds their kids sugar 24/7 when it worked back in the day. Back in the day it was safe to let your kids run wild in the yard and neighbourhood and they took care of all the energy that way. Nowadays a kid isn't even safe in his own bed, much less his own backyard. So they just bounce off the walls in your house. Can't make DH see this tho. Can't teach old dogs new tricks.

Everything is such a mess in here, and I can see several things that if I had more energy to use, that really need doing. How come everybody else does projects like painting and fixing things and going to Home Depot for something new or even just relines shelves for a change of pace. All these things I used to do. There was spring cleaning and fall cleaning. There were curtains to change, things to scrub, change around, paint, replace. I miss those old days. Now here I sit, useless as a bump on a log. Please somebody out there tell me I am not the only one
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moiraine Back Home After The Sleep Test

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 15 2007, 07:51 AM

Thanks everyone for thinking about me yesterday. I left at 6:15am so I could be home in time to be there for my grandson. Anyway, this is how it went:
(For Turtle, if you read this, I have some pictures but they are in my phone. Can you get them out for me so I can post them )
There were 4 of us being tested last night and speaking for myself, the accommodations were not bad. The place had only been open for about a month so it still had that awful chemical smell. After a while I got used to it. The room was real nice, just like a hotel room, but with no window. There was an IV stand with a bunch of wires on it, and a C-pap machine on one side of the bed. On the other side was a nightstand with a small lamp, with some magazines. They had a flat screen HD TV on the wall and I made myself welcome, Larry King was on. Plus I dimmed the lights I hate lights that are too bright.
The nurse came in and told me to change to my night clothes and she would come back to "hook me up" I had my own bathroom. It was so spacious in there, you would have no problems aft all if you had a wheelchair. There was also a shower. Everything was so sparkling new.

When the nurse came in to hook me up she sat me in a chair and started sticking things on my legs, in my head, around my face. She was very friendly and I had no trouble talking as she kept connecting the wires to me. I took my pm meds but couldn't hardly sleep. They had scheduled me for a "split night" test, in which they test for half the night and put a mask on my face for the rest of the time. Before I laid down the nurse fitted me for a full-face mask. I wake up every morning with my mouth dry as a bone, from breathing thru it in the night.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I could not get comfortable in bed at all. The mattress was too bouncy. Mine is nice and firm with a thick Tempurpedic pad on it. Also I should have bought my own pillow. There were 4 on the full bed but I couldn't get along with them. My Xanax didn't work hardly. So I tossed and turned from one side to the other, having to watch out for those stupid wires. It seemed like soon as I felt like I would drift off I would need to cough, clear my throat, move my arms and legs, or pull at the elastic belts they had on my chest and around my waist.

It didn't seem like long before the nurse came and fitted the mask on my face. I could breathe in the stream of air. Next thing I knew the nurse came in to take all the wires off. It was near 5am. I laid back down and fell asleep until she woke me again so I could get ready to leave for home.

In the hallway I told her I was sorry, looked like I wasn't able to get to sleep like I should have. She told me they got enough information where they could put the mask on for the rest of the night. She couldn't give me any details because I would have to see my Pdoc in a couple of weeks when he got the results. But she did tell me they couldn't believe what a difference it made once they put the mask on. She said I fell fast asleep and didn't move the rest of the night.

So I guess I will have to wait a couple of weeks more and find out what went down. Then they will decide what they will do about my machine. I will get a new mask, that is free. If I can use my machine here, I won't have to worry about the money. But they could also prescribe a more up-to-date one, in which I will have to shell out what the insurance won't. Either way, I need the machine, what can I do.
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moiraine Tonight I Go To The Sleep Lab

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 12 2007, 05:19 PM

I will be spending tonight at the Sleep Lab. As I have done this before I know what is coming so unless they have a special surprise I don't know about, I am not nervous. I went thru Images looking for a picture to show what it is like to be "wired up" but this is the best I could do.

You show up at your Sleep Lab for 9pm, with your gown, slippers, toiletries, robe, that kind of thing. Whatever you use at home for night. They want the papers that you were supposed to fill out, plus they want your hair washed and free from gel, mouse, spray and what have you. The other lab had hot and cool drinks if you wanted them, and peanut-butter crackers and cookies. I don't know about this one so all I am asking for is some hot water for my hot chocolate. They have TV there, but if you want something to read, you can bring it. They said to bring your pillow but I wouldn't go that far. After my pm meds I am down for the count anyway.

I am eating a few saltines because my stomach doesn't feel right. I have been having trouble with heartburn and such, that I never used to have before. I will pick up some Alka-Seltzers on my way, a magazine and and a small snack. When they are ready, the technician will come in and start attaching wires to you which go to their computers and such in the other room. It isn't scary and they have the wires gathered together in such a way that they can help you to the bathroom if you need to go.

While you are asleep, they watch their monitors and you in the bed, and come in and adjust wires if you move and one comes off. They told me I would be out of there by 6am which is good because I can get home before my daughter brings my grandson. They will give me a coupon for a free breakfast at the hospital cafeteria which is good for people who are leaving the lab to go straight to work. Also showers, etc. I'll leave the coupon for the next one. I'm outta there as soon as they let me go!
Only things: I havn't got a laptop so no links to the outside world
I have my cell but unless my daughter calls me, that will just be there for a security blanket. I won't go anywhere without my cell

The biggest thing: I will come home to an extremely insulted cat. The last time I spent a night out of the house (gall bladder surgery) it was a whole day before she would speak to me. It doesn't take much to get on Lady's bad side.
I'll be back tomorrow to tell how things went
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moiraine I Will Never Forget

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 10 2007, 11:25 PM


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moiraine Pandas!!!!!

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 10 2007, 02:12 PM

I thought I'd post something cute to lift everybody's spirits here. Everybody loves Panda's, right? I thought I'd go find a Pandacam. These guys seem like they walk around a lot and should be fun to watch...enjoy

http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Animals/GiantPandas/
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moiraine Feel Kinda Down

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 9 2007, 12:45 PM

Feel kinda down today and I hope it is just the day and not a sign of something ominous. This doesn't seem to have anything with my weight or any of that. The weather is changing. It is a grey dull day in which I wish it would rain or have the sun come back. Maybe it is 9-11 but I am not conscious of that. All I know is I was feeling very well and focused with even my energy picking up. I just hope this is a little blip on the radar and tomorrow I will wake up feeling as well as I was.

The hospital called me yesterday to remind me about the Sleep Clinic test on Wednesday. I had to answer some questions on paper and I am filling out a sleep log. I will be happy to get there and have somebody monitor me and tell me what I should do to regain my health. I just hope I am not doomed to live my life in such a heavy body. I hope someone can help me here. This is too big for me to deal with by myself. I know I ate myself up to this weight and should have done something about it ages ago. But today is today and yesterday is bygones. Maybe this time with help I can get down to a healthy weight.

Meantime I hope I am not going downhill so soon after I started to feel better. I didn't get my money's worth out of going to the trouble to change pills.
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moiraine For Dwayne...my 9-11

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 7 2007, 09:09 PM

This is for Dee. He made a comment on my post below and told me where he was and what he was doing on Sept.11, 2001. The following is my version, copied and re-copied, originally written by hand in a "paper" journal.

September 11, 2001


9-11-01
When I hear about all the bombings and acts of terrorism across the pond, and all the high security at sites of mass transport here, my mind goes back to 9-11-01.

On that terrible day I was working at another nursing home as a housekeeper. I remember the early morning sky, a clear, almost crystalline blue, no clouds. I took my vacuum into the small day room where a few residents were sitting in front of the TV as they usually did. I decided to go into a nearby room to dry-mop the floor.It was a little after 8.

After I finished, I looked into the day room again, to see if any residents had left, so I could vacuum the floor.On TV I saw that they had a movie on, a tall building with smoke coming from the top. Funny, I thought. They usually had the Today show on...

I saw writing at the bottom of the picture, saying a plane had flown into the World Trade Centre. The World Trade Centre!

I ran up the hallway to a nurse I knew and told her what I had seen. Aides and other nurses came from rooms to see what the noise was about. Then we all went to TVs to watch. I went back to the day room. Might as well carry on cleaning, I thought...

The residents in the room didn't pay attention, most were old and had dementia or just didn't care.Dust cloth in hand, I kept an eye on the TV and saw..A PLANE FLY STRAIGHT INTO THE SECOND TOWER, a great blossom of orange flame and black smoke...back up the hallway I went telling anyone I met what had just happened. I must have looked like a crazy person..

After that, my mind seemed to shut down. All I wanted to do was call my daughter, to touch base with reality.Cellphone in my shaking hand, I tried to push the buttons...my cellphone wasn't working, I couldn't get through. something terrible was happening right in front of my eyes...I saw objects falling from the burning buildings, I realised in horror that they were people, falling, falling to the ground. I saw people waving things from broken windows, trying to get attention...

Then, I saw one building fall into itself, great clouds of grey smoke billowing higher and higher. I couldn't take my eyes from the TV as scene after scene of impossibility unfolded before me. One Tower left, looking so strange with it's twin gone. Flames raging, black smoke billowing, I saw, as in a dream, the second building fall. Nothing left but smoke, grey, thick clouds of smoke, no towers..THE TWIN TOWERS WERE GONE as if they had never been

No one could have lived through that

Today, four years later, I understand that there was Before and After. Before 9-11, and after 9-11. After 9-11, the world took an awful change.I feel a great emptiness, something is missing. The innocence. The innocence is gone. The party is over. Things have changed for ever.

posted on July 22, 2005 11:26 PM



This is a post that was copied from my journal (remember the ones you wrote (by hand) for your eyes only? This was the way I saw 9-11. Everybody remembers where they were and what they were doing on that fateful day. This is my version



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moiraine 9-11.........the Lost Days

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 7 2007, 12:58 PM

It is 6 years since 9-11 and that dreadful day, and speaking for myself only, I will never, ever forget it and it seems like just yesterday that the Towers fell. I still divide life into two parts: Life before 9-11 and life after. Of course I followed the news here and abroad before 9-11 but it seemed so far away from the life I was living. I was too busy watching late-night TV like Conan and Jay Leno and SNL and the sitcoms of the day. Once 9-11 happened life was no longer funny. The whole world came across the Atlantic and sat in my lap, took over the funny stuff on my TV and I knew what it was like to feel fear and paranoia. I don't watch Conan, Jay Leno and SNL. They are not funny anymore. I used to run away from life into the pre-9-11 sitcoms I loved: The Nanny, Golden Girls,Hangin' with Mr. Cooper,Friends, Seinfeld, Cheers and the like. It's all gone now. Like I said, I am speaking for myself only. If I seem to "make light" of 9-11 and make a "before and after" comparison, I am very sorry and I don't mean to. I am very aware of the horror, the great loss of life and seeing people waving out windows, that will never be saved and people jumping to their deaths. I have seen those towers fall over and over and over and saw that plane crash into one tower just as much. I agonise for the loss of life in the Pentagon strike and saw the hole in the ground which is all that was left of Flight 93. I have watched every 9-11 movie and documentary made and I still shake my head, not understanding anymore now than I did 6 years ago.

I don't think I will ever understand how such a thing could happen.

I went to YouTube last year to see if anyone had documented any video from visiting the towers in the past. I have never been downtown Manhattan so I never saw what they looked like from the inside. I looked thru all they had and I came upon this one. It is 6 minutes of pictures, one after the other. Very plain, no fancy video tricks. Please look. The person who put this together did an astounding job~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isndA3TtlRY&NR=1
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moiraine My Mushy Side

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 7 2007, 12:03 AM

I was going thru my other blogs and deleted them all but this one. I think I will start to add to this one (it's been quite a while since I did.) This is my Mushy Side. I havn't felt like this in ages but I feel I have some things to explore here and so I am linking it in case anyone wants to know the real crazy me. You see, I used to be a person. Anyway, go have a look if you wanna

http://schoolgirlpoetry.blogspot.com/

Just for Belle:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6BzTCQ6Nqo

Check out this version of "After the Goldrush"
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moiraine Sorry Folks.........just Getting Back To My Blog... :)

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 5 2007, 09:21 AM

I'm so sorry folks I've been away for a while, by brother, SIL and niece left early yesterday, and they have arrived safely at home. I always worry when any of my people travel by plane and I know I am not the only one! My niece is almost 13 and she is in that cute stage where she is a "normal kid" before she enters the "prim, proper and picky" teenage girl years. She has a sunny disposition tho and I hope she manages the teen years better than I did. I was miserable, depressed and felt like I was left on the outside by the people in high school. Plus I carried this ENORMOUS crush on this kid for 4 years. He was a year ahead of me in school. For the most part he didn't even know I was alive....

Anyway, today is a nice sunny, cool pre-autumn day and my mind feels good and I feel a little of my concentration coming back. I don't know if this will stay with me for a while or will go up in a puff of smoke like it usually does. Anyway, as always I am trying to take advantage of anything I can get. I have an enormous pile of dirty clothes to bring to the laundromat. This will be my "big push" for the day. After 4 days the school bus actually came and picked up my grandson. There was a rush because they didn't come from the usual direction, they sort of "snuck up" on me and the horn blew a couple of times before I got out on the street with him. But the main thing is, they came. I know it takes a couple of days for the buses to get the schedule down but this was 4 days and other kids were affected the same way. Hopefully it is all straightened out now.

I am sorry I havn't been around to visit but I will be taking care of this soon as I can. When I have family visiting there is so little time and there are the shops to get too, places to go and plus my brother worked a long time on my PC for me, which I am always eternally grateful for. I couldn't even begin to put a price on all he does for me but I am sure if he was doing the same for one of his customers the bill would be enormous. I always feel so bad, and one day I hope I can help him out as much. Plus, he came and gave me a push to try and shift this awful weight and to try to take care of myself better. As I have said here before, when the depression lifts I can see the wreck my body gets into when I just don't care enough to see. I went to the accident room for some ointment to get rid of this awful red and itchy rash under my big belly. I had let it go to hell. In the beginning of the summer I had gone to my regular doctor and got some ointment when it wasn't so bad but it didn't do much. Then I let it lapse until it is the mess it is into today. I know, it's back to the weight thing again.

Well I have to leave and go sort that uber pile of laundry and get it washed so I will leave now. Just wanted to let you guys know I was still "above ground", so to speak.

To my brother Turtle: Thanks for everything, especially the kick in the butt I needed to try and get my weight and health under control. I am wearing the little moisturising socks at night to try and get my feet looking better. I don't know what I would ever do without you. I worry about your health too. We are a sorry couple of puppies huh..........love always BIG sis


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moiraine Today Will Be A Good Day

Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 29 2007, 09:02 AM

Today will be a good day because my brother, his wife and daughter come to visit for a week. I will be so happy to see them, and to give my brother a great big hug and kiss. I really miss my little Turtle when he isn't here. People may wonder why I call him Turtle. It is a baby name going back to when he was small. I was 7 when he was born so I wasn't too happy when this "little brat" came to take my place as the youngest. He got all the good stuff because he was the long-awaited boy after 3 girls. I remember he had a little white peddle car when he was 2 or 3 that I was very jealous of and I used to watch him go round and round on a concrete slab we had out in the back yard. It was just his size so of course I couldn't share.

So you know when he was old enough to understand I told him he was a baby turtle hatched from a turtle egg. It used to drive him nuts and he would have a fit when I called him Turtle. But times pass and we get older and things change and now he is the best brother I ever had and we keep in touch and worry about each other and help each other as much as we can, living far apart. So he and his family are coming by plane and will arrive here around 8 tonite. I will worry until I know they have gotten off the plane, and then I will worry some more when they drive here from the airport, almost 2 hours away.

Turtle always likes to rent a nice car while he is here. This way we all know what we will be driving 10 years from now
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moiraine Diabulimia- I Have No Room To Judge

| Category: My Weight Struggles Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 25 2007, 08:41 AM

I just saw Dr. Gupta on CNN and he was talking about something called Diabulimia, where girls with Type 1 Diabetes have found out they will lose weight if they don't take their insulin. One woman was speaking out because she had a 28-year-old daughter who died from doing this. Then there was a 30 year old mother of a small child who had been doing this for years, and she couldn't stop. Her husband begged her to please get help because he could see her getting sicker and sicker. She showed the reporter her feet, which were going black and blue, and she was losing feeling in them.

Then I got all judgemental and said to myself, "Can't she see that she is killing herself. Why can't she take her medicine. Why doesn't she just try for the sake of her little girl and her husband. She is about to loose her toes and she still says she won't take her insulin because she doesn't want to gain weight."

Then I stood back and had a good look at myself. I should talk. Here I am, at 280lbs, finding it hard to breathe if I walk too far, with a great gut causing my back to hurt. I have to wear a panty-girdle if I go out, just to shift the weight from my back a bit so I can walk. I want to know how people larger than me, especially these young overweight girls, can stand to feel like I do about their overweight. As an adult I weighed 130lbs. How did I ever let myself go as much as I have.

I have my 3-year old grandson. I keep going back to that fattening, sweet and greasy food that to be quite honest, doesn't even make me feel good while I am eating it, much less after. But like a robot I just keep packing it in. DH picks on me constantly. Whatever he says gets my back up because he thinks that will power, threats and trying to shame me into giving up the fattening food will work. Finally he just said one afternoon that he was afraid I was going to die. That made me sit up and take notice but I am still eating. I am pinning my hopes on my sleep clinic results and having my apnea taken care of. They say people lose weight when their sleep is improved.

So I really have no cause to criticize this poor woman. I am doing the same thing to myself, just in another way. Many people have told me I have to get my weight under control. I am looking for the easy way out. I eat for comfort and I feel guilty every time I eat the food that is slowly killing me. But not guilty enough to just determine that this is as far as it goes, and this weight will be history. Why can't I make the connection in my mind.

Just in case anyone is interested in this article, here is the link:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/health/20....diabulimia.cnn
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moiraine My Mind Feels Better, My Weight Is Killing Me

Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 23 2007, 10:30 AM

I think I'll write this in my "bits 'n' pieces" blog, and then transfer it. The Lexapro is fine. My depression has lifted and I am not so tearful or lost in the shuffle. My mind is a little clearer. Unfortunately, this means I notice things and one of these things is the state of my body. I feel awful. I know I put myself in this position. I know people have told me to do something about it in the past. What many people don't know is, when you are depressed, nothing matters, not even the state of your body and health Then you wake up and realise you are in deep, deep trouble.

I am 5'3" and I weigh 282 lbs. I weighed myself on the doctor's scale so it is the truth. I found this out on Tuesday when I went to see the doctor about a slip for the Sleep Clinic at my county hospital. The lady called me back yesterday and set up an appt. for me September 12, but told me that if they had a cancellation I could be called earlier if I wished. The insurance will cover it. If they didn't, that would be it for me, I guess. So that's the good news. Help is coming.

I just feel ILL. I can't walk for far, I get out of breath. I've tried my machine. I need help with that. I feel like a head, arms and legs connected with a great big middle section that is overtaking me. I dread even to think what I look like. I don't care about how I dress. Whatever covers is good enough for me. It is an awful life to live. As I told my T "I did it too myself. I just need help to get me out of this mess."

I know the answer to many of my health problems is weight loss. It is my fault that I didn't take care of the pounds when they were small matters. They always tell you, take care of the pounds when they are little, far better to face 5 extra pounds than 50. My weight is way beyond me now. I weigh double what I should. 300 lbs is right around the corner. I have terrible rashes under my stomach. I am just plain miserable and very depressed at what has happened to me. I need professional help to turn this around.

So I think going to the hospital is the first step, then maybe I can get in the system. Maybe there is a programme there to help people my size to get back to a normal size, before diabetes catches up with me. Just thought I'd post my misery here. I'm not depressed, I repeat. I just want my old body back, the one I haven't seen in over 20 years. I feel sick, very tired and OLD.

I hope the hospital can help me. I feel if I don't get help now, I may have a stroke or something. I want to be alive and be healthy. I don't want to walk, I want to run and feel nice and light. I am sick of having to drag this big fat body around.
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moiraine Gotta Have It...new Pc

Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 16 2007, 12:30 PM

OMG I found out exactly how much I am addicted to the Internet. I asked DD's SO to help me to upload pictures I had on my cellphone and he completely crashed my computer. My brother will be up in 2 weeks but there was no way I was doing without being online for 2 weeks. Last night was ok, I generally watch TV for 3 hours or so....even if I do hop back and forth here. Around 11pm, I started getting antsy. Of course I had the TV on but I felt SO cut off. DD tried aso hard to fix what she could, even with my brother on the phone. It was all my fault, I NEVER should have asked SO to have anything to do with my lifeline here, but we all learn.

Anyway, after finding out what was left in my account (lucky for me TDI had put my money in for this week) I went and got another at a 2nd hand place. It is an IBM Pentium 4 and cost $250 but I was so very desperate. It bugs the hell out of me that my brother has a bunch of these things lying around his house for free. Like I said, he finds them in the dump all the time. The one I had, he brought up for me, came from the dump. But when you are desperate, yu are desperate. My old, old original one, a Pentium 3 that I kept for emergancies was no help. Anyway, I am back on line and I am doing the happy, happy dance
PS I havn't found the spellcheck yet, so excuse any sp's........I'm helpless without my spellcheck
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moiraine Chinese Poison And Our Kids

Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 15 2007, 04:31 PM

Now if only I could climb out of my own problems enough to make a decent sized RANT about the poisoned toys they are importing from China to POISON and possibly KILL little innocent children in this country. OK, we've been thru the pet food, the vitamins and medicine, the tooth paste and so forth. This is MIGHTY LOW and I blame all the F*****G, Greedy, Outsourcing rich Barstewards in this country for it all. If we made our own toys here in this country like we used to, there would be no need to import all this DEADLY CRAP into this country to harm innocent little children. After all, HOW many millions and Billions of dollars do the wealthy need to keep themselves up?

If they can't trust the Chinese to make decent toys for our kids, BRING THE WORK BACK HERE and pay us instead of being cheap and paying slave labour small money just to rake in the billions. You know, I've had it with the wealthy class. I am 52 and remember being told, if you work well, be loyal to your boss and show up for work, you will be guaranteed a job for life and a pension at the end. (In fact I remember being told not to talk against the company because if it wasn't for the owners I wouldn't have a job). That's the way I was taught. Well, I was loyal. I did the bull crap work when I started work at 18, being bossed about by everyone who was there before me. The longest job I ever had, was 18 years. I've had 3 places to close on me. Guess how come I lost my 18-year job. THE CHINESE CAME AND TOOK THE LACE MACHINES AWAY. Like they've taken the clothes industry. the household goods industry, every D*** thing you pick up today is MADE IN CHINA!!!!!NOW, they are poisoning our children! Wealthy people, you have made a killing on the backs of the poor.............but now you've out done yourselves in the quest for Billions and Billions of even more dollars. How can you sleep at night. Children are sick, some dead, others being poisoned with these cheap crap toys. Who knows, maybe this has been going on for far longer than we know! Don't get me going here. This is the biggest rant for me so far. When you exchange the well-being of little innocent kids for a D*** dollar, I know there is no more hope for society as we know it. Children are our future. How can you risk the well-being of our little ones....how can you sleep at night?
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moiraine I Have Sleep Apnea

Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 11 2007, 10:19 PM

I don't know if I ever brought this up here but I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea two years ago and fitted with a c-pap machine. I used it a month or so, but I didn't stick with it (I am very bad for starting things and never keeping up with them.) A week or so ago I posted about the terrible night I had trying to sleep, and how which ever way I positioned myself, it felt like I couldn't breathe. Well, one of my problems was, when I was using the machine, my mouth would fall open and my mouth would get so dry that I ripped the thing off my face, said to hell with it. Now, after that scare, I ordered a chin strap to keep my mouth closed and I will try to crank up the machine again. The problem is, when I went bankrupt I got a free machine and the sleep doctor paid, but I don't think I can go back to Vanguard or the good doctor for any advice. So I went hunting around and I found a forum for Sleep Apnea and they have a place where a guest can ask questions. Three people replied and so now I feel maybe I can take this up again. Supposedly people with sleep apnea, if they use their machines, can turn their health problems around, such as weight problems, BP and even depression. As soon as I get my chin strap I will give it another go. Maybe it will help improve some of my health problems, give me a little energy or something *hopefully*
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moiraine My Belly Is Killing Me

| Category: My Weight Struggles Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 9 2007, 08:34 AM

I just reached a conclusion a while ago. The reason why I am having a hard time to breathe and feel so tired is that my belly is dragging me down. All my weight seems concentrated in my middle section and it is getting worse. What's the point of asking for help. All they can do is tell me to cut out the junk, eat less and exercise. If I were to tell these people that it seems so insurmountable to me that I can't move beyond this problem. they will tell me, well, if you don't do something about this today, tomorrow it will me much worse. I know this. Tell me something I DON'T know for a change. I think I wrote about this a while ago, when it seemed my stomach "fell down", sort of, in other words, what ever muscles were holding it up let go, and my belly started to hang lower, Ever since then it seems I have had a harder time to get around, I feel m ore unbalanced and out of breath. I am so glad my mother doesn't know this blog exists. Here I can say exactly how I feel. If she were reading here I wouldn't be able to say anything.

Three years ago I returned back to a very good weight loss plan called "Choose to Lose." It cost me $50/week ($13 for the attendance fee, $36 for the shakes I needed). It was in the county hospital here. It stressed three principals for weight loss: diet, exercise and the psychology of over-eating. I lost 60lbs in 4 months but stupid me I dropped out when I was down to 201, never saw the needle dip down into the 100's. The hospital hasn't had that programme in over 2 years. They moved it to the Wellness Centre about 10 miles away, and I called these people about it and they didn't know what I was talking about.

Maybe if I found a good strong girdle I could lift this stupid belly up so it doesn't drag me down so much. So I pretty much feel the only diet plan that ever worked for me is not around anymore, what can I do. *Going to another subject* I think I will look up here, another c-pap mask and pay for it myself. Maybe I can get this thing going enough so that life might improve for me in some way. They say if you sleep right you will feel better, maybe even lose weight.

Today I have a list, things I should do. I usually make such a list and end up just doing what absolutely has to be done:
1) I have to get gas. without that I can't do anything anyway
2) I should go to Walmart and get another cat-collar. I bought Lady a new one but it was too tight. The old cat collar is 6 years old, should have been replaced ages ago
3) Need to go by CVS and get two Rx, one I really need, I am on my last pill as of this am
4) My med nurse has free Lexapro for me, and while I never look a gift course in the mouth, I need to go after them. So this has to be done
5) The post office has a registered letter for me and I have to go after it. Registered letters always scare me. I just hope Social Security hasn't turned me down and sent a registered letter to let me know. What would I do, what would I do
6) I need to go down and fill out a job application for some laundromat work. The last thing I want to do. I don't know what is worst. Going in there, facing people and filling it out, or getting the job feeling like I do.

This is my "to do" list for today, and I feel so unable. I should feel pretty good because this am it is very good weather. For once the humidity isn't killing me because the day feels nice and dry. At least for now.


LATER
I just ordered a chinstrap online, just to see if I could get going on my c-pap machine. I had so much trouble with it last year and I just gave it up, seemed to me I had to rip the thing off my face because my mouth ended up so dry. By the time I added the shipping (3 day), it came to just under $40. I originally went to order a new face mask but some of them needed an Rx and it was all a big blue mystery to me any way. Maybe I can live with the mask I have (the one with the over the head apparatus and the nasal pillows) if I can keep my big trap shut. I'm floundering here. Any port in a storm.
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moiraine Gotta Keep Pushin'

| Category: Effexor withdrawal notes Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 6 2007, 10:03 PM

I have become glued to the pity pot and as my T says "I'm wallowing." She is right. I have felt like one of those toys that you wind up and after awhile they run out of steam and you have to wind them up again. I am wound down now and I am searching for something to give me the energy to get up and go again. She told me to call my med. nurse and tell her how I felt. I called and left a message at the desk and within a few minutes she called me back. This is unusual because she normally calls at the end of the day. She told me to go to 15mgs. Lexapro and in a few days go up to the full 20mgs. I told my T that if this didn't work to get me going, I was gonna go to bed, put the covers up over my head and let the world go on without me. I told you people I was wallowing, just like she said. I'm just "sittin' on the dock of the bay, wasting time." That's how I feel now.

My brother reads this blog, he is the only family member who I will let read all this useless drivel. He emailed me tonite and said I need to get back on my c-pap machine. I know I do. That awful suffocating feeling I had the other night is telling me I need to do something. The lady at the Rehab place who is helping me said that I need to call the Disability Lawyer they have to see how it can be worked out about my machine. He works for free so I wouldn't need to worry about money to pay. I think I wrote here before that when I went bankrupt I ended up with a c-pap machine that I didn't have to pay for so it is mine and it is sitting here doing nothing. My problem is I can't run this thing on my own, I need support from the people who I was renting it from.

Also I want a different mask from what I have now, it's just a long story but I can see now that I have to get all these ends tied together and I have to get the energy from somewhere. I hope the increase in the medication will give me some get up and go and some FOCUS. I have no focus at all, everything feels like it is drifting away when I try to do something to pull myself forward. The c-pap machine business has to be worked out. Maybe this lawyer can call them up and say, they can come and get this machine if they want, and I only went bankrupt because I couldn't pay my bills and I didn't know I would end up with the machine itself. I was only supposed to rent the machine until I lost what I needed to lose before they did my lap band. It's not even like I can go back to the sleep lab or the doctor who was managing all this because I didn't pay their bill either.

It's just too big to get my mind around now. I should have gone to get a money order to send COBRA. I have the money, about $750, that takes care of the 2 months insurance money I need to get back on track with them. I just need to get to the bank to get the money order and mail. Just need to get up off my a$$ a little and get out of the AC and my comfort zone. I didn't see where they said I could pay online or anything. I think I'll call them tomorrow and see if I can do it that way. It's too hot to go out anymore than I have to. Somehow the other I have to get things rolling here. I have to take control of my own life. Other people can only help me so far, I have to either help myself or give up and I can't give up. I want to live a little. I don't want to walk, I want to run. I'm tired of dragging myself around like this.
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