Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Momma's letters

dear linda

pictures in rhe thirties very nice thank you very much just awoke up and figured it out will explain the story when see you
it is my older years i am not deaf i under stand feel very alone we all have our problems found its better to be deaf
the news is not allways my business linda am gone tuesdays - to thursdays visit two home bound people once a week you
know do not promise and forget people today have there own world do not worry about me unnecerly am not alone people are kind was in hamilton yesterday telephone cable and wireless diabetic centre i make my own happiness please not worry about me
am ok look after yourself know you are happy about operation all will be well am doing best can what i have to work with

thanks for writing about operation we will have to talk about it you sound good try not to argue about things rather walk away
and be alone and calm down not worth fussing never gave up thinking of years find our own happiness some day lot more
will be clear. love you allways will be good. Maricheaux

From: starlite2012@hotmail.com
To: bdaonion1923@hotmail.com
Subject: old bermuda photos 1930's
Date: Sun, 24 Oct 2010 20:24:39 -0400

dear Momma,
guess we got cut off, all of a sudeen you were not there, I figured you would call back but I guess we said all we had to say, the main point is I heard your voice again. I thought you were annoyed with me, I know I am not the best and should do better. Anyway, we were talking about old Bermuda, I found some old Bermuda pictures that I hope you can see, ask Christy to bring them up for you. or ask Macai, he is a very nice person and I am sure he would help you out in any way possible. Sometimes we have to overlook some things, it is different today, I had to accept certain things but then I am 30 years younger
anyway, here is the links, now I want to go see what I found myself

http://www.flickr.com/photos/24443965@N08/sets/72157615645491751/

hope you can see these, Momma stand up on your feet and DEMAND some things, the 1930's was your young years and you should see what you can. They are actually in colour
love always Linda

Momma's letters

My Dear Linda & Family
Finally read THE STUFF thank you not to old to figure it out was going out Cheryl's house have to call again just called Cheryl she
worked until 8pm last night she just awoke going back until 3pm I will see her then they all enjoyed Christina,s party said was
lovely we all had a lovely time Makie her boyfriend is quiet everyone likes him she has known him for over a year not crude or noisy he went school in Rhode Island a pllumber by trade.

Caitlin was to show me how to find your letter she never did and thank god I found it Christie and Makie by plane Saturday to board a ship
in Portica Rica south America and Islands on east side she had been last year to Jamaica and other Islands .

Enjoyed your long message good long one this is all new to me same old mess I get in Christina's party very nice Chris made pizza
10 pounds of flour his friend mr curtis he went school with i came up with his parents his second wife is American and has three children
she works in Hamilton i had met her Daughter on beach last Summer. Mr Curtis was Chri's Freind they walk together

Cheryl said how good Christina was a friend of Jaihan,s they went to Bda College for Maths Cherys said how she helped her daughter in Maths
she can be good to me she helped with the yard she does good when she wants to she is forgetfull Catelin annoys me Chris said she
does not know what to say to me she has seen me age in front of her and slow down impatient will try another tact more then one way to skin a cat here goes Maurice again .

The lady standing at door of The St. George's Society is Lillian Hayward she did the new Births in St.George,s Babies Canon the old Minister at St Peter's knew the secrets of St George's Parish he married Miss Hayward late in life she was a founder of the Society in early 19twenties do believe have been there five years the grass gets cut I peddle on best I can they all have been good to me we all get along will give message to them have two tomato plants with flowers. I have my own mind as you know it gets me in trouble, when Gene shouted to You sounded like
Dada it still goes back will the day ever come when peace is there
has been times when was free I know there is more for me.

hang in as long as I can I have your messages you sent will pass along Mrs Esdaille likes your messages.

Hang in there with Gene Amanda Max and Lady Takes a long time to understand Family and Friends Patience and understanding
about money in better control not that unsecure any more do not turn the Button hope to see Cheryl this afternoon she is off
Today,Tue & Wed will get back some times. she loves her job Laverne and rest have order dumpster to empty the house.. t would make a lovely Rest Home for Seniors. They do what has to be done we have to do our best.
Love you all miss you all Have to be content loving and kind to all.. Thank you Linda Love you allways Mama Grannie
Maricheaux having my Lunch Shower and head for Bus to Wellington.
From: starlite2012@hotmail.com
To: bdaonion1923@hotmail.com
Subject: stuff
Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2010 22:15:38 -0400

Dear Momma,
Thanks for your nice letter I am so happy that you were able to see the pictures. I didn't know that they would be arranged so nice and I am happy that you were happy to see them. Even tho I am not there I miss the old Bermuda. I see Paula Cox is Premier now, wonder how things will go, will the new broom sweep clean or leave the same old dust in the corners hehehe. Best thing she could do in her early days is send those detainees back to Cuba, they have no jobs anyway so who is providing their room and board. Must be the tax payer as usual.

Don't worry about who is Premier, they are all for themselves white or black, PLP or UBP but I think the UBP is done for. They haven't been in charge for many years now. I miss the old Bermuda because you knew where you were in society. Now everything is all jumbled up and nothing is run right. There were nice coloured people who went to church and led decent lives, then there were the not-so nice coloured/black ones who lived completely different and lived in different places and we rarely mixed. Then there were the white folks who ran things and that is alright. Somebody has to lead and the devil you know is always better than the one you don't.

You and those of your generation are the last ones who lived the old way where we knew our place. I had it when I was young and I guess moving to the US to a state where there are a lot of people who look like me, it was easy just to drift along with the tide. Now it is Amanda's and Max's world and I do the best I can.

Please don't worry about that operation it is for my own good and I have to get this weight off me and this will help. I was not meant to be this fat and I hope this time next year I will look a lot different and feel a whole lot better. You will do OK as long as you get out and see people, get on the bus the way you are used to, and do the things during the week. In that lot of pictures was a lady standing in front of the Historical Society. I wanted to try and send that one to the Historical Society but they have no email. People lived at home there and it goes back to the 1700's.

I miss all the history, there is no history here, at least I don't see any. In Boston they have some old buildings but a lot of things are getting torn down for ugly new buildings like that John Swan place in town. I guess the hurricane didn't knock it down so sorry. You have a little tropical storm coming your way, hopefuully you will get some rain from it for the tanks.

well have rambled on enough, tomorrow I have to work, well can only do what I can but I am like you I need that little bit of change it makes a difference. On Wednesday my gov't check came in and I was able to pick up sme things I needed like hair stuff, mouthwash etc that I had run out of.
take care Moma and you know I love you, my love to Chat and Chew, Bible study and Historical Socxiety folks xxxx Linda

Thursday, January 29, 2009

depressing letter

Dear Sara,
You don't have to acknowledge this but I want to send it anyway because I need to sort out how I feel. I'm not doing so well everything looks grey and I feel worse and worse. I'm calling Patty's office at 10am but even when she calls me back I won't get to say anything, she has no time to listen, her job is just pills and while she really cares she is pressed for time, I understand that

Everything has become a big burden to me and is getting worse. My ideal way would be just to stay in bed in sleep because when I get up people expect me to do things or at least shower and move around. If I wasn't struggling to go to work I wouldn't even bother to shower, that's how unmotivated I am. On my days off I can't even bring myself to get in there shower, I am going nowhere so why bother

But then I don't want to go anywhere at all. Amanda isn't working so she has taken over a lot of the stuff I used to do for Max like making sure he is on the bus (that is really getting me down and exhausting me. It seems like everyone else has so much energy and I wonder where they are getting it from. When I see things that people are doing on TV or irl first thing I wonder is why and how are they doing things that I would just skip over, I have no energy to even think of shopping or just going out for the sake of getting out of the house

The politics and stuff I am usually interested in and conspiracies etc if too much to think about I just see jobs disappearing daily and somewhere in my brain I realize in the states and all over the world the economy is crashing in slow motion. That's about as far as it goes. I think maybe Pres. Obama will take care of it all, and then I think she is shoveling shit against the tide. I am confused about it all

I am hanging out in the hair forum I used to where everyone is nice and polite and I spend time dressing up my profile page and looking for siggy generators stuff like that that is mindless and nobody cares about

The biggest indication of me disappearing is that last night it occurred to me that every time I thought about something I would like to eat, my usual junk food, it seems just grey, nothing much seems appetizing. I just stuff in any old thing. I am still eating but there isn't any pleasure even in that like it was. This would work for me if I just didn't eat when things are not appetizing but it doesn't work that way to me

It was earlier in the year that I felt I was enclosed in clear glass so I could see out but was cut off from the outside world. Now I feel like I am in a grey mist
I am hoping Patty can up my pills or something because even in my mind I know this isn't normal even for me

Thanks for reading Linda

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

CNN front page.........1/20/2009

updated 1:00 a.m. EST, Wed January 21, 2009

First couple dances the night away

Hours after delivering his inaugural address, Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama are spending the evening dancing at inaugural balls. In his speech, Obama promised to tap the virtues and resiliency of Americans as his administration ushers in an era of accountability and improved dialogue with the world. developing story

Style: Reviewing the first lady's fashion
Style: Celebrities turnout for inaugural parties
Slideshow: High hopes

In HD: Let freedom ring
The speech: Obama's full address | Text
Obama's Inauguration Day | More videos

The Oath in 3D

POLITICS

The Moment

View President Obama's swearing in using new technology

CRIME

New DA looks into JonBenet

A new district attorney says he will take a fresh look at the investigation into the slaying of JonBenet Ramsey

CNET

Inauguration events online

A few Web sites are streaming today's historic events, from the swearing-in to the inaugural balls

OPRAH.COM

Video: Obama inspires celebs

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher talk about why they felt they needed to be in Washington for the inauguration

Text of President Obama's Speech

(CNN) -- Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States and the nation's first African-American president Tuesday. This is a transcript of his prepared speech.

In his speech Tuesday, President Obama said America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

1 of 2

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet. Watch the full inauguration speech »

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

INAUGURAL DAY!!!

INAUGURAL DAY, January 20, 2009

I took these pictures right from the TV as I watched today

Barak Obama becomes President!!! I am sitting here watching the crowds gather in Washington to watch the Inauguration, with a front row seat in front of my TV No way would I be in all those thousands and thousands of people. I am very happy to see it all on TV. I would never miss a minute of this great day when Barak Obama becomes the first Black President of the United States. This is my day off but earlier my supervisor called and asked if I would come in. I told her I wasn't going anywhere, I was gonna sit here in my recliner and watch the E-nag-u-ration!!!! She just said "Oh, I'll try somebody else then". I told Amanda you couldn't blast my butt out of that recliner today. I told her some things that I remember about Bermuda, growing up back in the 60's with discrimination and was at that fair on the docks in Hamilton when the riots began. I remember Momma telling us let's get out of here because she figured trouble was starting and this was the beginning of the riots. Black people let the Whitefolks know we weren’t gonna take it anymore, change was coming! This is how I feel today watching all those hundreds of thousands of people of all colours and ethnicities cheering and celebrating in the freezing cold and waiting for 12 noon. They all want to be part of history and be able to say, yes, the first Black President was sworn in, " and I was there" Celebrate with me!!!!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Today

MLK speech was always just a part of history that I grew up with in history books and every MLK day it all just went by me.

But today, on the eve of Barack Obama's Inaguration this speech has taken on a great new meaning. This is why I posted it below. To me this is as good as it gets and I never thought I'd see the day when a black person would be President of the Free World. He will need a great deal of fortitude and faith and all his genius to undertake this great office.

Today and tomorrow we will celebrate this enormous page in history and we will worry about Wednesday when it gets here. Now is the time for celebration and great happiness that no more can we say "The coloured man will never rule" as they said when I was young

Text, "I have a Dream" by Martin Luther King

The Text of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s
"I Have a Dream" Speech

Aug. 28, 1963

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon of hope to millions of Negro slaves, who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity. But one hundred years later, the Negro is still not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacle of segregation and the chains of discrimination.

One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our Nation's Capital to cash a check. When the architects of our great republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir.

This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed to the inalienable rights of life liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check that has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is not time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism.

Now is the time to make real the promise of democracy.

Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice.

Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood.

Now is the time to make justice a reality to all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment and to underestimate the determination of it's colored citizens. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual.

There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds.

Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must ever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality.

We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities.

We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one.

We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating "for white only."

We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote.

No, no we are not satisfied and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of your trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by storms of persecutions and staggered by the winds of police brutality.

You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our modern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to you today, my friends, that even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow. I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed. We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; that one day right down in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and every mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plains and the crooked places will be made straight and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I will go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope.

With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood.

With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to climb up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning "My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my father's died, land of the Pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring!"

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. So let freedom ring from the hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that, let freedom, ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi and every mountainside.

And when this happens, when we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every tenement and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old spiritual, "Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, we are free at last."

Dear Momma,
You said your eye operation will be tomorrow so I know I have to hurry for you to see my message. Don't be nervous about this operation it is laser these days, no going to hospital and having them cut off like in the old days. I know you will have butterflies in your stomach is anyone going to hospital with you I know if Aloma was there she would and I certainly would myself. You don't know how guilty I have felt over the years because you could have used my help or support and here I am stuck out here can't do anything for you.

Will you be able to see any of Obama Inauguration there is a lot of celebration going on in Washington DC I saw where they had a big concert on the Washington Mall. Thousands of people were there to hear the music and those that couldn't were just there to be a part of history. I bet in all your years you never thought you would ever see a black president. I can remember when I was small you said "coloured people would never rule" I forget what relative you were quoting maybe you can tell me.

I just saw some 90 year old people on TV just now talking about they never knew this day would come and they were happy to have lived so long to see a black man become the head of this country. They were 6 old people who had lived through Katrina all over 90. One old lady when she was asked what question she could ask President Obama if she could she said that she would love to have a dance with him!

When I see all the old black people I realise they live much longer and in better condition than old white people if they live so long. Those 90 year old ladies had little if any wrinkles in their faces and they certainly have all their buttons. I am so glad Dr. Simmons finally convinced you that you are of sound mind we can't help being a nervous people we have always been highly strung can't change nature can you.

I know I have plenty of years left and so do you look at all the examples you have around you black women have had to put up with so much and many are raising grandchildren and even some great-grands because there is no choice and they just have to do what they have to do.

I know you don't like the term black people like they say these days, because we come up in the age when calling coloured people black was a great insult and we always had our dignity and rose above white people in the way we did things and had our respect about one another. I think about all the coloured ladies that helped me when I was small and they always encouraged me to behave and that education was the way out of being the underdog.

I remember Aunt Catherine telling me to put my legs together when she saw me standing up with my legs apart, telling me ladies didn't stand up that way.

I remember Uncle Freddie helping all my cousins to study and get ahead and everyone of them got a good education. He knew education was the way out for coloured people and he was right.

I remember Nurse Richardson and how dignified she was and how she was a much-revered person in our community because she became a nurse when few coloured people knew how to go about it. They are all gone now and if I wrote about everyone I knew and looked up to back in those days this would be a very long book to read.

I also remember we had discrimination in Bermuda even we seemed to know where we were wanted and stayed out of where we were not wanted. None of us "bucked" the system. When we went to town you knew where all the toilets were and we always managed to sneak past and use Smith's (or was it Triminghams?) toilet which was pink inside and where the white people came and went they thought nothing of it but it was a big thing for us, being able to use the bathroom where darker people couldn't get away with it. No one challenged us nor Aloma either.

We always went to Spot or Blue Moon to eat, I never knew at the time but there were few places we as coloured people could go into and we certainly kept our place and stayed where we belonged. We never had the nerve to be loud and make people notice us when there were white people around. I also remember the riots of 1968 and how we were at the party in Hamilton or fair or whatever it was and you grabbed us and said it was time for us to leave. I was there where it all started and while there are things that I wasn't able to remember maybe you can. Or was it 1965 I can't remember

Anyway I can go on and on but this is why Obama a black man to be president means so much to me and millions of other people who remember the old days, and grandparents who were in the trenches in the 30's, 40's and 50's like you were.

All this comes to mind on a day like today when it is Martin Luther Kings 40th year since "I have a Dream" speech. It is a great pity he didn't live to see this day, he would have rejoiced to see Barack Obama be made President, a coloured person just like us.

I hope you are able to see the swearing-in ceremony tomorrow even tho one of your eyes will be bandaged up. I wish all the old people all long gone, could have seen this day for themselves.

President Obama certainly has his work cut out for him he has so much on his plate but today and tomorrow we can celebrate where he came from and what he is about to do

Momma this is a great and long letter and I know you like long letters to read so I hope you are happy with this one hehehe love always Linda xoxoxoxo

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Food: I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 21 2007, 07:34 AM

I have only myself to blame for being so fat and out of shape. I just can't put the junk down. DH is right when he yells at me about my weight. I don't think he is being mean to me any more because I know my weight is way out of control and he has always been one of those "black or white " people. I am a "grey area" person. So in his mind excessive eating = excessive fat = I don't care about my weight or health or I would stop eating. The way I see it, for better or for worse is: excessive eating = excessive fat = what is causing me to eat so much when I see how unhealthy it is making me? I think this is the root of my problem. I don't want to eat myself to death. Nobody does. Just like nobody wants to keep smoking, or drinking, or taking street drugs. So why would I want to consider it a treat to stop by the coffee shop after putting GS on the bus, and get two huge raspberry sticks? I don't intend to make my problem worse by eating these. I am trying to explain what these two raspberry sticks, or any kind of sweet pastry does for me. The best I can come up with is, in a sea of making myself do things I don't want to do, there is an island full of my favourite junk foods and the worse I feel, the more I want to find that island and give myself a little push to keep on swimming in that sea of things I have to put up with.

I don't expect anybody but a fellow addict to understand what I just wrote, if I stated it clear enough. And no amount of trying to change my way of thinking, ie, walking, a bubble bath or anything else has worked in all these years. It just adds to the list of things in the sea that I am trying to take a break from. For a while I have been sneaking food in the house and hiding it from DH because I knew he would yell at me if he knew what I was doing. My worst time is at night and people have said, "Just go to bed early and that will take care of it." There are two things in my favour when it comes to bad eating habits. I never take food to bed with me because I don't like crumbs and would just feel even more sloppy and out-of-control if I did this. And once I am in bed, I don't get back up for food. I'd say 99% of my eating takes place in the living room watching TV. This is a very old habit that goes back to my childhood because my father always ate goodies while watching TV. And yes I know that even the oldest habits can be broken if you stick with it. And I know about OverEater's Anonymous and the like. Over the years I have heard about every "coping mechanism" and have tried them all and I still overeat. There's something I'm not getting that most other people get and they can beat their bad habits.

I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I know there is an answer somewhere and after all these years maybe seeing millions more like me, they might come up with something that really works. But right now I am really just concerned about myself. You know, you get sick of fighting. Fighting mental illness, fighting day-to-day life, just trying to keep from falling behind takes so much out of a person. And then you have to fight something so basic as controlling food intake. Food should be fuel to keep you living, not something you have to struggle with everyday.
Permalink | Comments: 7

moiraine Feeling Strange????

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 19 2007, 08:30 AM

I'm sorry I havn't been around much here. It seems like I can't settle anywhere much to write anything, I mean too, and I am having problems trying to compose anything meaningful. I have a ton of "Favourites" and "Bookmarks" and nothing in these lists catches my interest at the moment. It's just like I am lost my focus, so to speak. I drop by our little village here, see what all my friends are up too, and can't frame a reply and I say, "I will come back later and have something to say." So don't worry friends this too shall pass, it always does, and I will be back to my normal concentration (until the next time,lol).

Meanwhile, after applying for jobs thru the summer, I think I finally have a bite. I could never even get any kind of interview without Pam, the lady who finds jobs for the people in my physical/mentally challenged people's group. There is not much of anything I am good for, when it comes to a job. Pam found me a part-time housekeeping job in another nursing home. The supervisor was a very nice, down-to-earth person about my age, who was overweight so I didn't think she would discriminate on me for being heavy (well, very heavy ). She even said I could come in at 9am if I wanted, so this means I can carry on putting my grandson on the bus at 8am and then come to work. I will work until 2pm and if I hurry I could pick GS up when his bus runs after 2:30.

All they need after that is my police background report and my medical history and she said I was good to go. All nursing homes require that you have a physical and have certain vaccinations and tests and now I understand there is some new shot you have to take. I have never had any problem with my background reports (I am crazy but I respect the law,lol). So pretty soon I could be making a little money again, and get out of the house to move around. the S S people said I could make up to $900/mo (before taxes) so this will fit in. I need to make enough to cover my Blue Cross every month. I've been on TDI for about 6 mos. now and pretty soon they will be saying that I've run out of change in the kitty.

I just hope I can move around and work after all this inactivity. I never did any exercise like people told me to do. It's all my fault. But as all you depressed people know, when it's so hard just to get out of bed, where does the strength come to walk out there with everyone making fun of you as you struggle on. I can't believe it, I actually kept focused enough to write this. I hate it when my brain goes numb. You guys know what I mean, but try explaining it to the so-called "normal" people

Permalink | Comments: 4

moiraine Today Is A Depressing Day

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 15 2007, 08:18 AM

I know there has to the grey rainy days but they are so depressing. I don't know what I feel like doing and nothing even interests me online. That is strange for me. All the things I usually take an interest in, I am just skipping from favourites to favourites, bookmark to bookmark. Please tell me that other people feel restless like this too. I feel restless and feel like I have no purpose in my life. My GS is here and this is one of his days when he won't settle to anything. DH is here and all he does is fill him full of candy no matter what I say. He took him to the store just now and GS has a bag of M&M's in his hand, just adding more fuel to the fire. DH can't understand why nobody feeds their kids sugar 24/7 when it worked back in the day. Back in the day it was safe to let your kids run wild in the yard and neighbourhood and they took care of all the energy that way. Nowadays a kid isn't even safe in his own bed, much less his own backyard. So they just bounce off the walls in your house. Can't make DH see this tho. Can't teach old dogs new tricks.

Everything is such a mess in here, and I can see several things that if I had more energy to use, that really need doing. How come everybody else does projects like painting and fixing things and going to Home Depot for something new or even just relines shelves for a change of pace. All these things I used to do. There was spring cleaning and fall cleaning. There were curtains to change, things to scrub, change around, paint, replace. I miss those old days. Now here I sit, useless as a bump on a log. Please somebody out there tell me I am not the only one
Permalink | Comments: 8

moiraine Back Home After The Sleep Test

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 15 2007, 07:51 AM

Thanks everyone for thinking about me yesterday. I left at 6:15am so I could be home in time to be there for my grandson. Anyway, this is how it went:
(For Turtle, if you read this, I have some pictures but they are in my phone. Can you get them out for me so I can post them )
There were 4 of us being tested last night and speaking for myself, the accommodations were not bad. The place had only been open for about a month so it still had that awful chemical smell. After a while I got used to it. The room was real nice, just like a hotel room, but with no window. There was an IV stand with a bunch of wires on it, and a C-pap machine on one side of the bed. On the other side was a nightstand with a small lamp, with some magazines. They had a flat screen HD TV on the wall and I made myself welcome, Larry King was on. Plus I dimmed the lights I hate lights that are too bright.
The nurse came in and told me to change to my night clothes and she would come back to "hook me up" I had my own bathroom. It was so spacious in there, you would have no problems aft all if you had a wheelchair. There was also a shower. Everything was so sparkling new.

When the nurse came in to hook me up she sat me in a chair and started sticking things on my legs, in my head, around my face. She was very friendly and I had no trouble talking as she kept connecting the wires to me. I took my pm meds but couldn't hardly sleep. They had scheduled me for a "split night" test, in which they test for half the night and put a mask on my face for the rest of the time. Before I laid down the nurse fitted me for a full-face mask. I wake up every morning with my mouth dry as a bone, from breathing thru it in the night.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I could not get comfortable in bed at all. The mattress was too bouncy. Mine is nice and firm with a thick Tempurpedic pad on it. Also I should have bought my own pillow. There were 4 on the full bed but I couldn't get along with them. My Xanax didn't work hardly. So I tossed and turned from one side to the other, having to watch out for those stupid wires. It seemed like soon as I felt like I would drift off I would need to cough, clear my throat, move my arms and legs, or pull at the elastic belts they had on my chest and around my waist.

It didn't seem like long before the nurse came and fitted the mask on my face. I could breathe in the stream of air. Next thing I knew the nurse came in to take all the wires off. It was near 5am. I laid back down and fell asleep until she woke me again so I could get ready to leave for home.

In the hallway I told her I was sorry, looked like I wasn't able to get to sleep like I should have. She told me they got enough information where they could put the mask on for the rest of the night. She couldn't give me any details because I would have to see my Pdoc in a couple of weeks when he got the results. But she did tell me they couldn't believe what a difference it made once they put the mask on. She said I fell fast asleep and didn't move the rest of the night.

So I guess I will have to wait a couple of weeks more and find out what went down. Then they will decide what they will do about my machine. I will get a new mask, that is free. If I can use my machine here, I won't have to worry about the money. But they could also prescribe a more up-to-date one, in which I will have to shell out what the insurance won't. Either way, I need the machine, what can I do.
Permalink | Comments: 1

moiraine Tonight I Go To The Sleep Lab

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 12 2007, 05:19 PM

I will be spending tonight at the Sleep Lab. As I have done this before I know what is coming so unless they have a special surprise I don't know about, I am not nervous. I went thru Images looking for a picture to show what it is like to be "wired up" but this is the best I could do.

You show up at your Sleep Lab for 9pm, with your gown, slippers, toiletries, robe, that kind of thing. Whatever you use at home for night. They want the papers that you were supposed to fill out, plus they want your hair washed and free from gel, mouse, spray and what have you. The other lab had hot and cool drinks if you wanted them, and peanut-butter crackers and cookies. I don't know about this one so all I am asking for is some hot water for my hot chocolate. They have TV there, but if you want something to read, you can bring it. They said to bring your pillow but I wouldn't go that far. After my pm meds I am down for the count anyway.

I am eating a few saltines because my stomach doesn't feel right. I have been having trouble with heartburn and such, that I never used to have before. I will pick up some Alka-Seltzers on my way, a magazine and and a small snack. When they are ready, the technician will come in and start attaching wires to you which go to their computers and such in the other room. It isn't scary and they have the wires gathered together in such a way that they can help you to the bathroom if you need to go.

While you are asleep, they watch their monitors and you in the bed, and come in and adjust wires if you move and one comes off. They told me I would be out of there by 6am which is good because I can get home before my daughter brings my grandson. They will give me a coupon for a free breakfast at the hospital cafeteria which is good for people who are leaving the lab to go straight to work. Also showers, etc. I'll leave the coupon for the next one. I'm outta there as soon as they let me go!
Only things: I havn't got a laptop so no links to the outside world
I have my cell but unless my daughter calls me, that will just be there for a security blanket. I won't go anywhere without my cell

The biggest thing: I will come home to an extremely insulted cat. The last time I spent a night out of the house (gall bladder surgery) it was a whole day before she would speak to me. It doesn't take much to get on Lady's bad side.
I'll be back tomorrow to tell how things went
Permalink | Comments: 5

moiraine I Will Never Forget

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 10 2007, 11:25 PM

Permalink | Comments: 4

moiraine Pandas!!!!!

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 10 2007, 02:12 PM

I thought I'd post something cute to lift everybody's spirits here. Everybody loves Panda's, right? I thought I'd go find a Pandacam. These guys seem like they walk around a lot and should be fun to watch...enjoy

http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Animals/GiantPandas/
Permalink | Comments: 0

moiraine Feel Kinda Down

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 9 2007, 12:45 PM

Feel kinda down today and I hope it is just the day and not a sign of something ominous. This doesn't seem to have anything with my weight or any of that. The weather is changing. It is a grey dull day in which I wish it would rain or have the sun come back. Maybe it is 9-11 but I am not conscious of that. All I know is I was feeling very well and focused with even my energy picking up. I just hope this is a little blip on the radar and tomorrow I will wake up feeling as well as I was.

The hospital called me yesterday to remind me about the Sleep Clinic test on Wednesday. I had to answer some questions on paper and I am filling out a sleep log. I will be happy to get there and have somebody monitor me and tell me what I should do to regain my health. I just hope I am not doomed to live my life in such a heavy body. I hope someone can help me here. This is too big for me to deal with by myself. I know I ate myself up to this weight and should have done something about it ages ago. But today is today and yesterday is bygones. Maybe this time with help I can get down to a healthy weight.

Meantime I hope I am not going downhill so soon after I started to feel better. I didn't get my money's worth out of going to the trouble to change pills.
Permalink | Comments: 8

moiraine For Dwayne...my 9-11

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 7 2007, 09:09 PM

This is for Dee. He made a comment on my post below and told me where he was and what he was doing on Sept.11, 2001. The following is my version, copied and re-copied, originally written by hand in a "paper" journal.

September 11, 2001

9-11-01
When I hear about all the bombings and acts of terrorism across the pond, and all the high security at sites of mass transport here, my mind goes back to 9-11-01.

On that terrible day I was working at another nursing home as a housekeeper. I remember the early morning sky, a clear, almost crystalline blue, no clouds. I took my vacuum into the small day room where a few residents were sitting in front of the TV as they usually did. I decided to go into a nearby room to dry-mop the floor.It was a little after 8.

After I finished, I looked into the day room again, to see if any residents had left, so I could vacuum the floor.On TV I saw that they had a movie on, a tall building with smoke coming from the top. Funny, I thought. They usually had the Today show on...

I saw writing at the bottom of the picture, saying a plane had flown into the World Trade Centre. The World Trade Centre!

I ran up the hallway to a nurse I knew and told her what I had seen. Aides and other nurses came from rooms to see what the noise was about. Then we all went to TVs to watch. I went back to the day room. Might as well carry on cleaning, I thought...

The residents in the room didn't pay attention, most were old and had dementia or just didn't care.Dust cloth in hand, I kept an eye on the TV and saw..A PLANE FLY STRAIGHT INTO THE SECOND TOWER, a great blossom of orange flame and black smoke...back up the hallway I went telling anyone I met what had just happened. I must have looked like a crazy person..

After that, my mind seemed to shut down. All I wanted to do was call my daughter, to touch base with reality.Cellphone in my shaking hand, I tried to push the buttons...my cellphone wasn't working, I couldn't get through. something terrible was happening right in front of my eyes...I saw objects falling from the burning buildings, I realised in horror that they were people, falling, falling to the ground. I saw people waving things from broken windows, trying to get attention...

Then, I saw one building fall into itself, great clouds of grey smoke billowing higher and higher. I couldn't take my eyes from the TV as scene after scene of impossibility unfolded before me. One Tower left, looking so strange with it's twin gone. Flames raging, black smoke billowing, I saw, as in a dream, the second building fall. Nothing left but smoke, grey, thick clouds of smoke, no towers..THE TWIN TOWERS WERE GONE as if they had never been

No one could have lived through that

Today, four years later, I understand that there was Before and After. Before 9-11, and after 9-11. After 9-11, the world took an awful change.I feel a great emptiness, something is missing. The innocence. The innocence is gone. The party is over. Things have changed for ever.

posted on July 22, 2005 11:26 PM

This is a post that was copied from my journal (remember the ones you wrote (by hand) for your eyes only? This was the way I saw 9-11. Everybody remembers where they were and what they were doing on that fateful day. This is my version

Permalink | Comments: 1

moiraine 9-11.........the Lost Days

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 7 2007, 12:58 PM

It is 6 years since 9-11 and that dreadful day, and speaking for myself only, I will never, ever forget it and it seems like just yesterday that the Towers fell. I still divide life into two parts: Life before 9-11 and life after. Of course I followed the news here and abroad before 9-11 but it seemed so far away from the life I was living. I was too busy watching late-night TV like Conan and Jay Leno and SNL and the sitcoms of the day. Once 9-11 happened life was no longer funny. The whole world came across the Atlantic and sat in my lap, took over the funny stuff on my TV and I knew what it was like to feel fear and paranoia. I don't watch Conan, Jay Leno and SNL. They are not funny anymore. I used to run away from life into the pre-9-11 sitcoms I loved: The Nanny, Golden Girls,Hangin' with Mr. Cooper,Friends, Seinfeld, Cheers and the like. It's all gone now. Like I said, I am speaking for myself only. If I seem to "make light" of 9-11 and make a "before and after" comparison, I am very sorry and I don't mean to. I am very aware of the horror, the great loss of life and seeing people waving out windows, that will never be saved and people jumping to their deaths. I have seen those towers fall over and over and over and saw that plane crash into one tower just as much. I agonise for the loss of life in the Pentagon strike and saw the hole in the ground which is all that was left of Flight 93. I have watched every 9-11 movie and documentary made and I still shake my head, not understanding anymore now than I did 6 years ago.

I don't think I will ever understand how such a thing could happen.

I went to YouTube last year to see if anyone had documented any video from visiting the towers in the past. I have never been downtown Manhattan so I never saw what they looked like from the inside. I looked thru all they had and I came upon this one. It is 6 minutes of pictures, one after the other. Very plain, no fancy video tricks. Please look. The person who put this together did an astounding job~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isndA3TtlRY&NR=1
Permalink | Comments: 2

moiraine My Mushy Side

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 7 2007, 12:03 AM

I was going thru my other blogs and deleted them all but this one. I think I will start to add to this one (it's been quite a while since I did.) This is my Mushy Side. I havn't felt like this in ages but I feel I have some things to explore here and so I am linking it in case anyone wants to know the real crazy me. You see, I used to be a person. Anyway, go have a look if you wanna

http://schoolgirlpoetry.blogspot.com/

Just for Belle:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6BzTCQ6Nqo

Check out this version of "After the Goldrush"
Permalink | Comments: 4

moiraine Sorry Folks.........just Getting Back To My Blog... :)

Email this entry | Print this entry Sep 5 2007, 09:21 AM

I'm so sorry folks I've been away for a while, by brother, SIL and niece left early yesterday, and they have arrived safely at home. I always worry when any of my people travel by plane and I know I am not the only one! My niece is almost 13 and she is in that cute stage where she is a "normal kid" before she enters the "prim, proper and picky" teenage girl years. She has a sunny disposition tho and I hope she manages the teen years better than I did. I was miserable, depressed and felt like I was left on the outside by the people in high school. Plus I carried this ENORMOUS crush on this kid for 4 years. He was a year ahead of me in school. For the most part he didn't even know I was alive....

Anyway, today is a nice sunny, cool pre-autumn day and my mind feels good and I feel a little of my concentration coming back. I don't know if this will stay with me for a while or will go up in a puff of smoke like it usually does. Anyway, as always I am trying to take advantage of anything I can get. I have an enormous pile of dirty clothes to bring to the laundromat. This will be my "big push" for the day. After 4 days the school bus actually came and picked up my grandson. There was a rush because they didn't come from the usual direction, they sort of "snuck up" on me and the horn blew a couple of times before I got out on the street with him. But the main thing is, they came. I know it takes a couple of days for the buses to get the schedule down but this was 4 days and other kids were affected the same way. Hopefully it is all straightened out now.

I am sorry I havn't been around to visit but I will be taking care of this soon as I can. When I have family visiting there is so little time and there are the shops to get too, places to go and plus my brother worked a long time on my PC for me, which I am always eternally grateful for. I couldn't even begin to put a price on all he does for me but I am sure if he was doing the same for one of his customers the bill would be enormous. I always feel so bad, and one day I hope I can help him out as much. Plus, he came and gave me a push to try and shift this awful weight and to try to take care of myself better. As I have said here before, when the depression lifts I can see the wreck my body gets into when I just don't care enough to see. I went to the accident room for some ointment to get rid of this awful red and itchy rash under my big belly. I had let it go to hell. In the beginning of the summer I had gone to my regular doctor and got some ointment when it wasn't so bad but it didn't do much. Then I let it lapse until it is the mess it is into today. I know, it's back to the weight thing again.

Well I have to leave and go sort that uber pile of laundry and get it washed so I will leave now. Just wanted to let you guys know I was still "above ground", so to speak.

To my brother Turtle: Thanks for everything, especially the kick in the butt I needed to try and get my weight and health under control. I am wearing the little moisturising socks at night to try and get my feet looking better. I don't know what I would ever do without you. I worry about your health too. We are a sorry couple of puppies huh..........love always BIG sis

Permalink | Comments: 6

moiraine Today Will Be A Good Day

Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 29 2007, 09:02 AM

Today will be a good day because my brother, his wife and daughter come to visit for a week. I will be so happy to see them, and to give my brother a great big hug and kiss. I really miss my little Turtle when he isn't here. People may wonder why I call him Turtle. It is a baby name going back to when he was small. I was 7 when he was born so I wasn't too happy when this "little brat" came to take my place as the youngest. He got all the good stuff because he was the long-awaited boy after 3 girls. I remember he had a little white peddle car when he was 2 or 3 that I was very jealous of and I used to watch him go round and round on a concrete slab we had out in the back yard. It was just his size so of course I couldn't share.

So you know when he was old enough to understand I told him he was a baby turtle hatched from a turtle egg. It used to drive him nuts and he would have a fit when I called him Turtle. But times pass and we get older and things change and now he is the best brother I ever had and we keep in touch and worry about each other and help each other as much as we can, living far apart. So he and his family are coming by plane and will arrive here around 8 tonite. I will worry until I know they have gotten off the plane, and then I will worry some more when they drive here from the airport, almost 2 hours away.

Turtle always likes to rent a nice car while he is here. This way we all know what we will be driving 10 years from now
Permalink | Comments: 9

moiraine Diabulimia- I Have No Room To Judge

| Category: My Weight Struggles Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 25 2007, 08:41 AM

I just saw Dr. Gupta on CNN and he was talking about something called Diabulimia, where girls with Type 1 Diabetes have found out they will lose weight if they don't take their insulin. One woman was speaking out because she had a 28-year-old daughter who died from doing this. Then there was a 30 year old mother of a small child who had been doing this for years, and she couldn't stop. Her husband begged her to please get help because he could see her getting sicker and sicker. She showed the reporter her feet, which were going black and blue, and she was losing feeling in them.

Then I got all judgemental and said to myself, "Can't she see that she is killing herself. Why can't she take her medicine. Why doesn't she just try for the sake of her little girl and her husband. She is about to loose her toes and she still says she won't take her insulin because she doesn't want to gain weight."

Then I stood back and had a good look at myself. I should talk. Here I am, at 280lbs, finding it hard to breathe if I walk too far, with a great gut causing my back to hurt. I have to wear a panty-girdle if I go out, just to shift the weight from my back a bit so I can walk. I want to know how people larger than me, especially these young overweight girls, can stand to feel like I do about their overweight. As an adult I weighed 130lbs. How did I ever let myself go as much as I have.

I have my 3-year old grandson. I keep going back to that fattening, sweet and greasy food that to be quite honest, doesn't even make me feel good while I am eating it, much less after. But like a robot I just keep packing it in. DH picks on me constantly. Whatever he says gets my back up because he thinks that will power, threats and trying to shame me into giving up the fattening food will work. Finally he just said one afternoon that he was afraid I was going to die. That made me sit up and take notice but I am still eating. I am pinning my hopes on my sleep clinic results and having my apnea taken care of. They say people lose weight when their sleep is improved.

So I really have no cause to criticize this poor woman. I am doing the same thing to myself, just in another way. Many people have told me I have to get my weight under control. I am looking for the easy way out. I eat for comfort and I feel guilty every time I eat the food that is slowly killing me. But not guilty enough to just determine that this is as far as it goes, and this weight will be history. Why can't I make the connection in my mind.

Just in case anyone is interested in this article, here is the link:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/health/20....diabulimia.cnn
Permalink | Comments: 8

moiraine My Mind Feels Better, My Weight Is Killing Me

Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 23 2007, 10:30 AM

I think I'll write this in my "bits 'n' pieces" blog, and then transfer it. The Lexapro is fine. My depression has lifted and I am not so tearful or lost in the shuffle. My mind is a little clearer. Unfortunately, this means I notice things and one of these things is the state of my body. I feel awful. I know I put myself in this position. I know people have told me to do something about it in the past. What many people don't know is, when you are depressed, nothing matters, not even the state of your body and health Then you wake up and realise you are in deep, deep trouble.

I am 5'3" and I weigh 282 lbs. I weighed myself on the doctor's scale so it is the truth. I found this out on Tuesday when I went to see the doctor about a slip for the Sleep Clinic at my county hospital. The lady called me back yesterday and set up an appt. for me September 12, but told me that if they had a cancellation I could be called earlier if I wished. The insurance will cover it. If they didn't, that would be it for me, I guess. So that's the good news. Help is coming.

I just feel ILL. I can't walk for far, I get out of breath. I've tried my machine. I need help with that. I feel like a head, arms and legs connected with a great big middle section that is overtaking me. I dread even to think what I look like. I don't care about how I dress. Whatever covers is good enough for me. It is an awful life to live. As I told my T "I did it too myself. I just need help to get me out of this mess."

I know the answer to many of my health problems is weight loss. It is my fault that I didn't take care of the pounds when they were small matters. They always tell you, take care of the pounds when they are little, far better to face 5 extra pounds than 50. My weight is way beyond me now. I weigh double what I should. 300 lbs is right around the corner. I have terrible rashes under my stomach. I am just plain miserable and very depressed at what has happened to me. I need professional help to turn this around.

So I think going to the hospital is the first step, then maybe I can get in the system. Maybe there is a programme there to help people my size to get back to a normal size, before diabetes catches up with me. Just thought I'd post my misery here. I'm not depressed, I repeat. I just want my old body back, the one I haven't seen in over 20 years. I feel sick, very tired and OLD.

I hope the hospital can help me. I feel if I don't get help now, I may have a stroke or something. I want to be alive and be healthy. I don't want to walk, I want to run and feel nice and light. I am sick of having to drag this big fat body around.
Permalink | Comments: 5

moiraine Gotta Have It...new Pc

Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 16 2007, 12:30 PM

OMG I found out exactly how much I am addicted to the Internet. I asked DD's SO to help me to upload pictures I had on my cellphone and he completely crashed my computer. My brother will be up in 2 weeks but there was no way I was doing without being online for 2 weeks. Last night was ok, I generally watch TV for 3 hours or so....even if I do hop back and forth here. Around 11pm, I started getting antsy. Of course I had the TV on but I felt SO cut off. DD tried aso hard to fix what she could, even with my brother on the phone. It was all my fault, I NEVER should have asked SO to have anything to do with my lifeline here, but we all learn.

Anyway, after finding out what was left in my account (lucky for me TDI had put my money in for this week) I went and got another at a 2nd hand place. It is an IBM Pentium 4 and cost $250 but I was so very desperate. It bugs the hell out of me that my brother has a bunch of these things lying around his house for free. Like I said, he finds them in the dump all the time. The one I had, he brought up for me, came from the dump. But when you are desperate, yu are desperate. My old, old original one, a Pentium 3 that I kept for emergancies was no help. Anyway, I am back on line and I am doing the happy, happy dance
PS I havn't found the spellcheck yet, so excuse any sp's........I'm helpless without my spellcheck
Permalink | Comments: 3

moiraine Chinese Poison And Our Kids

Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 15 2007, 04:31 PM

Now if only I could climb out of my own problems enough to make a decent sized RANT about the poisoned toys they are importing from China to POISON and possibly KILL little innocent children in this country. OK, we've been thru the pet food, the vitamins and medicine, the tooth paste and so forth. This is MIGHTY LOW and I blame all the F*****G, Greedy, Outsourcing rich Barstewards in this country for it all. If we made our own toys here in this country like we used to, there would be no need to import all this DEADLY CRAP into this country to harm innocent little children. After all, HOW many millions and Billions of dollars do the wealthy need to keep themselves up?

If they can't trust the Chinese to make decent toys for our kids, BRING THE WORK BACK HERE and pay us instead of being cheap and paying slave labour small money just to rake in the billions. You know, I've had it with the wealthy class. I am 52 and remember being told, if you work well, be loyal to your boss and show up for work, you will be guaranteed a job for life and a pension at the end. (In fact I remember being told not to talk against the company because if it wasn't for the owners I wouldn't have a job). That's the way I was taught. Well, I was loyal. I did the bull crap work when I started work at 18, being bossed about by everyone who was there before me. The longest job I ever had, was 18 years. I've had 3 places to close on me. Guess how come I lost my 18-year job. THE CHINESE CAME AND TOOK THE LACE MACHINES AWAY. Like they've taken the clothes industry. the household goods industry, every D*** thing you pick up today is MADE IN CHINA!!!!!NOW, they are poisoning our children! Wealthy people, you have made a killing on the backs of the poor.............but now you've out done yourselves in the quest for Billions and Billions of even more dollars. How can you sleep at night. Children are sick, some dead, others being poisoned with these cheap crap toys. Who knows, maybe this has been going on for far longer than we know! Don't get me going here. This is the biggest rant for me so far. When you exchange the well-being of little innocent kids for a D*** dollar, I know there is no more hope for society as we know it. Children are our future. How can you risk the well-being of our little ones....how can you sleep at night?
Permalink | Comments: 2

moiraine I Have Sleep Apnea

Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 11 2007, 10:19 PM

I don't know if I ever brought this up here but I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea two years ago and fitted with a c-pap machine. I used it a month or so, but I didn't stick with it (I am very bad for starting things and never keeping up with them.) A week or so ago I posted about the terrible night I had trying to sleep, and how which ever way I positioned myself, it felt like I couldn't breathe. Well, one of my problems was, when I was using the machine, my mouth would fall open and my mouth would get so dry that I ripped the thing off my face, said to hell with it. Now, after that scare, I ordered a chin strap to keep my mouth closed and I will try to crank up the machine again. The problem is, when I went bankrupt I got a free machine and the sleep doctor paid, but I don't think I can go back to Vanguard or the good doctor for any advice. So I went hunting around and I found a forum for Sleep Apnea and they have a place where a guest can ask questions. Three people replied and so now I feel maybe I can take this up again. Supposedly people with sleep apnea, if they use their machines, can turn their health problems around, such as weight problems, BP and even depression. As soon as I get my chin strap I will give it another go. Maybe it will help improve some of my health problems, give me a little energy or something *hopefully*
Permalink | Comments: 3

moiraine My Belly Is Killing Me

| Category: My Weight Struggles Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 9 2007, 08:34 AM

I just reached a conclusion a while ago. The reason why I am having a hard time to breathe and feel so tired is that my belly is dragging me down. All my weight seems concentrated in my middle section and it is getting worse. What's the point of asking for help. All they can do is tell me to cut out the junk, eat less and exercise. If I were to tell these people that it seems so insurmountable to me that I can't move beyond this problem. they will tell me, well, if you don't do something about this today, tomorrow it will me much worse. I know this. Tell me something I DON'T know for a change. I think I wrote about this a while ago, when it seemed my stomach "fell down", sort of, in other words, what ever muscles were holding it up let go, and my belly started to hang lower, Ever since then it seems I have had a harder time to get around, I feel m ore unbalanced and out of breath. I am so glad my mother doesn't know this blog exists. Here I can say exactly how I feel. If she were reading here I wouldn't be able to say anything.

Three years ago I returned back to a very good weight loss plan called "Choose to Lose." It cost me $50/week ($13 for the attendance fee, $36 for the shakes I needed). It was in the county hospital here. It stressed three principals for weight loss: diet, exercise and the psychology of over-eating. I lost 60lbs in 4 months but stupid me I dropped out when I was down to 201, never saw the needle dip down into the 100's. The hospital hasn't had that programme in over 2 years. They moved it to the Wellness Centre about 10 miles away, and I called these people about it and they didn't know what I was talking about.

Maybe if I found a good strong girdle I could lift this stupid belly up so it doesn't drag me down so much. So I pretty much feel the only diet plan that ever worked for me is not around anymore, what can I do. *Going to another subject* I think I will look up here, another c-pap mask and pay for it myself. Maybe I can get this thing going enough so that life might improve for me in some way. They say if you sleep right you will feel better, maybe even lose weight.

Today I have a list, things I should do. I usually make such a list and end up just doing what absolutely has to be done:
1) I have to get gas. without that I can't do anything anyway
2) I should go to Walmart and get another cat-collar. I bought Lady a new one but it was too tight. The old cat collar is 6 years old, should have been replaced ages ago
3) Need to go by CVS and get two Rx, one I really need, I am on my last pill as of this am
4) My med nurse has free Lexapro for me, and while I never look a gift course in the mouth, I need to go after them. So this has to be done
5) The post office has a registered letter for me and I have to go after it. Registered letters always scare me. I just hope Social Security hasn't turned me down and sent a registered letter to let me know. What would I do, what would I do
6) I need to go down and fill out a job application for some laundromat work. The last thing I want to do. I don't know what is worst. Going in there, facing people and filling it out, or getting the job feeling like I do.

This is my "to do" list for today, and I feel so unable. I should feel pretty good because this am it is very good weather. For once the humidity isn't killing me because the day feels nice and dry. At least for now.

LATER
I just ordered a chinstrap online, just to see if I could get going on my c-pap machine. I had so much trouble with it last year and I just gave it up, seemed to me I had to rip the thing off my face because my mouth ended up so dry. By the time I added the shipping (3 day), it came to just under $40. I originally went to order a new face mask but some of them needed an Rx and it was all a big blue mystery to me any way. Maybe I can live with the mask I have (the one with the over the head apparatus and the nasal pillows) if I can keep my big trap shut. I'm floundering here. Any port in a storm.
Permalink | Comments: 9

moiraine Gotta Keep Pushin'

| Category: Effexor withdrawal notes Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 6 2007, 10:03 PM

I have become glued to the pity pot and as my T says "I'm wallowing." She is right. I have felt like one of those toys that you wind up and after awhile they run out of steam and you have to wind them up again. I am wound down now and I am searching for something to give me the energy to get up and go again. She told me to call my med. nurse and tell her how I felt. I called and left a message at the desk and within a few minutes she called me back. This is unusual because she normally calls at the end of the day. She told me to go to 15mgs. Lexapro and in a few days go up to the full 20mgs. I told my T that if this didn't work to get me going, I was gonna go to bed, put the covers up over my head and let the world go on without me. I told you people I was wallowing, just like she said. I'm just "sittin' on the dock of the bay, wasting time." That's how I feel now.

My brother reads this blog, he is the only family member who I will let read all this useless drivel. He emailed me tonite and said I need to get back on my c-pap machine. I know I do. That awful suffocating feeling I had the other night is telling me I need to do something. The lady at the Rehab place who is helping me said that I need to call the Disability Lawyer they have to see how it can be worked out about my machine. He works for free so I wouldn't need to worry about money to pay. I think I wrote here before that when I went bankrupt I ended up with a c-pap machine that I didn't have to pay for so it is mine and it is sitting here doing nothing. My problem is I can't run this thing on my own, I need support from the people who I was renting it from.

Also I want a different mask from what I have now, it's just a long story but I can see now that I have to get all these ends tied together and I have to get the energy from somewhere. I hope the increase in the medication will give me some get up and go and some FOCUS. I have no focus at all, everything feels like it is drifting away when I try to do something to pull myself forward. The c-pap machine business has to be worked out. Maybe this lawyer can call them up and say, they can come and get this machine if they want, and I only went bankrupt because I couldn't pay my bills and I didn't know I would end up with the machine itself. I was only supposed to rent the machine until I lost what I needed to lose before they did my lap band. It's not even like I can go back to the sleep lab or the doctor who was managing all this because I didn't pay their bill either.

It's just too big to get my mind around now. I should have gone to get a money order to send COBRA. I have the money, about $750, that takes care of the 2 months insurance money I need to get back on track with them. I just need to get to the bank to get the money order and mail. Just need to get up off my a$$ a little and get out of the AC and my comfort zone. I didn't see where they said I could pay online or anything. I think I'll call them tomorrow and see if I can do it that way. It's too hot to go out anymore than I have to. Somehow the other I have to get things rolling here. I have to take control of my own life. Other people can only help me so far, I have to either help myself or give up and I can't give up. I want to live a little. I don't want to walk, I want to run. I'm tired of dragging myself around like this.
Permalink | Comments: 2

15 Pages < 1 2 3 4 5 > » Jump to Page

My DF Blog

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Momma's letters

Momma's letters

Thursday, January 29, 2009

depressing letter

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

CNN front page.........1/20/2009

First couple dances the night away

Text of President Obama's Speech

INAUGURAL DAY!!!

INAUGURAL DAY!!!

INAUGURAL DAY, January 20, 2009

Monday, January 19, 2009

Today

Text, "I have a Dream" by Martin Luther King

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Blog Archive

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

document.write(cnnRenderT1TimeStamp(1232511182222));

Monday, January 19, 2009

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Blog Archive