depressing letter

Dear Sara,
You don't have to acknowledge this but I want to send it anyway because I need to sort out how I feel. I'm not doing so well everything looks grey and I feel worse and worse. I'm calling Patty's office at 10am but even when she calls me back I won't get to say anything, she has no time to listen, her job is just pills and while she really cares she is pressed for time, I understand that

Everything has become a big burden to me and is getting worse. My ideal way would be just to stay in bed in sleep because when I get up people expect me to do things or at least shower and move around. If I wasn't struggling to go to work I wouldn't even bother to shower, that's how unmotivated I am. On my days off I can't even bring myself to get in there shower, I am going nowhere so why bother

But then I don't want to go anywhere at all. Amanda isn't working so she has taken over a lot of the stuff I used to do for Max like making sure he is on the bus (that is really getting me down and exhausting me. It seems like everyone else has so much energy and I wonder where they are getting it from. When I see things that people are doing on TV or irl first thing I wonder is why and how are they doing things that I would just skip over, I have no energy to even think of shopping or just going out for the sake of getting out of the house

The politics and stuff I am usually interested in and conspiracies etc if too much to think about I just see jobs disappearing daily and somewhere in my brain I realize in the states and all over the world the economy is crashing in slow motion. That's about as far as it goes. I think maybe Pres. Obama will take care of it all, and then I think she is shoveling shit against the tide. I am confused about it all

I am hanging out in the hair forum I used to where everyone is nice and polite and I spend time dressing up my profile page and looking for siggy generators stuff like that that is mindless and nobody cares about

The biggest indication of me disappearing is that last night it occurred to me that every time I thought about something I would like to eat, my usual junk food, it seems just grey, nothing much seems appetizing. I just stuff in any old thing. I am still eating but there isn't any pleasure even in that like it was. This would work for me if I just didn't eat when things are not appetizing but it doesn't work that way to me

It was earlier in the year that I felt I was enclosed in clear glass so I could see out but was cut off from the outside world. Now I feel like I am in a grey mist
I am hoping Patty can up my pills or something because even in my mind I know this isn't normal even for me

Thanks for reading Linda